grief

To continue yesterday's blog-o-drama...

My grandfather Oscar helped raise me. He and my grandmother Lorene made a place for me in their home and in their lives when I was about 2 or 3 years old. Really, I should just say they raised me, because ultimately that is the long and short of it. I could get into my parents' divorce, re-marriages, custody, visitation, blah, blah, blecccchhh! But the important thing here is that Oscar and Lorene Andrews took care of me when I needed them most.

In March it will have been 2 years since we lost grandma. Right now my grandpa is in the hospital, and has been there for more than 2 weeks. Initially the issue was Pancreatitis, but now the list is a mile long. He has been sedated and on a ventilator for more than 7 days. Last Saturday my husband, dear children, and I went to say our goodbyes. I don't really even know if grandpa heard us. My heart is breaking. I don't want to lose grandpa, but in my heart, I feel he is already gone.

So this is the reason for my freak-out. My stress level is high right now. I want to rely on Jesus to get us through this difficult time. I want to keep on living my life in a way that shows I have faith that God is in control. I want to trust that God knows what he is doing, and I don't have to know what He is doing. (I guess He doesn't need my help on this one.) Imagine that.

Through all of this, my wonderful husband has been listening to and sharing with my mom. You know, about God things. Jesus stuff. While I was off crying over Grandpa, and fretting that he's been on kidney dialysis for MANY days, Danny was trying to help my mom with her faith.

There are many more details I could fill in, but ultimately I just want to be living my life in a way that shows I trust God with all the details. It's that simple.

stop freaking out and do your job

Right now I should be cleaning up the kitchen. I cooked dinner yesterday. And dessert. Do I really need to further explain? Chicken casserole and Reese's cup ice cream dessert. It took a few minutes to find the coffee maker. (how do you find said coffee maker without actually having the coffee first?)

As I have previously mentioned, I am a title 1 aide in our local elementary. Additionally I tutor 2 afternoons each week for 2 hrs. Have you spent any time with 5 yr. olds after 7 hours of school--for 2 more hours by yourself? You need a snack, lots of potty (and poo) breaks. A sense of humor, a snack for yourself and then some GREAT lesson plans individually designed for each child are other necessary ingredients.

Our daughter Chloe reminded me of something very important yesterday on our way home from an early dismissal. Think SNOW, SNOW, SNOW. Think mid-calf deep fluffy white stuff. Lovely, delightful, gorgeous, and messy. Alrighty, back to the actual story. Chloe asked me how I'm liking the title 1 position (she's 9). Before I could respond she pressed further; isn't it better to see lots of different kids every day the way you do, rather than a regular classroom teacher who sees the same kids? ALL DAY. EVERY DAY. This child is rather articulate. Maybe I should give a bit of background here.

I attended IWU from 1992-1994

Married (eloped) 95

re-enrolled around 96 or 97 (it's been too long)

first kid june '98

stayed at home

some babysitting

second kid '00

still at home

2004-2006 substitute teaching LOVED IT!

Fall 2006 re-enrolled at IWU, teacher education program

April 2009 graduated with a bachelor's degree in elem. edu.

Aug. 09 to present title 1 aide

ok, now that you have my abbreviated resume, you can understand that the elem. edu. degree was a long time coming. Many sleepless nights. Very very good days of student teaching. Some really AWFUL days of student teaching.

All that to say, now that I have the degree, shouldn't I be just chomping at the bit to get my own classroom? Shouldn't I be beating down doors of superintendents all over the county? Well, some days, that is exactly what I feel like doing. Granted I just really want to stay in our school district. Really very much so.

I love my job. Not just like it a little bit. I really love it! I have the opportunity to help so many students every day. I love the small group setting, and when I get to work with a child one-on-one, well that is just about the best thing ever. I love finding specific ways to help individual students. So why do I get so antsy over finding a classroom position? Part of my issue is that I put forth a lot of time and effort to earn my degree. Time away from my family, stress, money. Lots of driving, lots of fancy clothes purchased for ST. Did I really do all that just to have a 7hr/day job? But this isn't just a job. It is a daily opportunity to meet the educational needs of multiple children every day.

Patience. Trust. Faith. I need to stop freaking out and just do my job. I need to trust God that he opened the door for the title 1 position, and when He is ready, and when I have shown that I am ready, He will open the door for me to have my own classroom. That could be 1 year, it could be 5. While I wait, I will not just be 'waiting'. I will be doing my very best to help every student with whom I work.